Computerlove™

September 28th, 2007

"It's crossfire, wild eyes. Crossfire."

Turn down the music, the noise stopped. I'm pretty sure they're gone. It's alright, contiunue.

What is really necessary? What is needed to move forward in life? We're told that these things are important, We're told that these steps need to be taken. But in the end who's really right? Is a passion enough to allow you to succeed? I'd like to think so. Beyond some basic education sure, wait, no. In very few cases I'm sure even the obstacle of no education whatsoever is overcome. I sit here, at two in the morning, in a design lab, at a university, where I'm supposed to be putting together the pieces of a web page that will make up ten percent of my final grade. For a teacher who is currently taking like six courses of their own. Someone who is too busy to spend any time with students all week, save of course the few frantic hours on the day the assignment is due.

I attend classes learning the odd thing here and there. The last time I really learned something substantial was the typography course I took last year. Aside from that it's been a shortcut key here, a Photoshop trick there. Not to say that I know everything there is to know about graphic design. I'm far from that believe me. But the things I feel I need to know aren't being taught. The things I need to learn are taught at work, with real clients, real projects, and real situations. Not in a classroom that simply urges me to read a book, or take an online tutorial that I could just as easily do from my living room. Not to say that people haven't tried to teach me, and done a great job, some of the teachers are fantastic. But I really think that the material is missing what I need. Anything that school is going to give me I could learn myself from a book, and some practice. The real world experience is what I'm after right now. Instead of staying up till two in the morning doing hypothetical assignments, I should be at home studying of my own accord. God knows it's cheaper. I should be drawing, becoming the master illustrator I've always wanted to be. I should be learning actionscript, something there IS no school for (at least not in this town).

All this for what? A piece of paper that says I sat here, for all these hours, doing projects that I didn't really believe in? Paying money to teach myself when the instructor is nowhere to be seen? No thanks. A piece of paper that really anyone could earn if they're willing to sit through the classes and go through the motions? I want to create something I'm proud of. Something that I love. I want to feel like I've accomplished something real.

I think that real men and women get to the place they want to be by sheer will. If you don't know how to do something, and you need to overcome an obstacle, you just do what it takes, and move on. You dont do what other people tell you. Because nobody knows you. Nobody knows what you're like, or what you're capable of. Nobody but you. And if you want, if you need to get there, you will. Because if you want it as bad as you think, you'll achieve it, or you'll die trying. And that's worth something.

I was really fine for a while here. Going through the motions, attending the classes, doing my shit, paying my dues. But something just clicked inside my mind, and I realized that I have to make these decisions. I need to be foreward thinking. Am I going to look back on this course and say that I got something out of it? Or am I going to think that it was time I should have spent skething, studying on my own, or doing any kind of the self improvement activities I classify as 'leisure'. Im I learning? Or am I just doing what is expected of me? Attending school because it's what 'people do'.

I don't know if I'm going to drop any of these courses yet. I may just tap out of this decision, and go through the motions. Finish this thing off, there's only one year left. I do know that there's alot I have to learn. I do know that I'm not as good at alot of things as I want to be. But I really feel like these are things better learned through experience. I dont know. I'm at a crossroad here. As always it's such a hard decision to make when its your own. Other peoples problems seem so cut and dry. Because you're not in them. Right now, all school is doing for me is providing me the motivation to keep doing this, but the reason, why, is becoming less and less clear.